HOW BIG A ROLE DOES BIRTH ORDER PLAY IN YOUR LIFE ?

We were once asked if the order we’re born in, has any effect on us.  It is certainly something we have no control over but is it something that does have an effect ? – the ‘middle child syndrome’ as we know it, or recognition of ‘the classic only child behaviour’?

Having carried out some research, we discovered that the importance of birth order was first looked at by psychologist Alfred Adler.  Michael Grose, a parenting expert who was trained by Adler (and author of Why First- Borns Rule the World and Lastborns Want to Change it) explains the basics.  ‘We’re in a Darwinian struggle from the moment we are born, fighting for scarce resources within our family – our parents’ time, love and affection’ he says.  Through human evolution, birth order has determined who inherits power (first-born) and who is sent to war (the youngest as he was the ‘spare’).

Grose states that ‘Typical FIRST-BORNS are approval-seeking missiles. They’ve been showered with attention and identify strongly with power’.  First-borns are thought to be conscientious and achievement-orientated.  The legal profession is filled with firstborns and world leaders are overwhelmingly first born children (Bill and Hilary Clinton, Benito Mussolini, Adolf Hitler).   However first-borns are the only ones who experience having their parents all to themselves then having to share them – thought to perhaps lead them to be anxious, emotionally intense, defensive and prone to jealous rages.

Many theorists group ONLY CHILDREN amongst first-borns – although they never experience having to share parents, nor the frictions/fondness encountered with siblings.  For this reason they feel like outsiders, distanced from much of life.  The only child is thought to be extremely mature, aloof, someone who expects a special standing. (Winston Chirchill, Franklin D Roosevelt, Frank Sinatra, Tiger Woods).

According to Darwinian theory, MIDDLE CHILDREN lose out as they are neither the precious, able, oldest or the vulnerable youngest.  Their strength is that they are more flexible and sociable, to compromise and build coalitions, and tend to be more relaxed.  Many middle children work in retail, sales, fashion, advertising or caring professions (Michelle Pfeiffer, Princess Diana, Cindy Crawford, Emily Bronte).

The YOUNGEST CHILDREN are more likely to question the order of things and develop a ‘revolutionary personality’ or even a non-conformist approach. Often they choose a completely different path to their older siblings to avoid direct competition.  As they are the babies of the family, they may grow up expecting others to take responsibility. (Joan of Arc, Charles Darwin, Charlie Chaplin, Hugh Grant).

Grose admits that the effects of birth order can vary according to different factors – gender, age gap, temperament.  Also as you get older you may learn other ways of interaction with your peers. 

In his advice on PARENTING, Grose states:

• You should let an only child have a childhood, without burdening them with adult issues or parental expectation.  Involve them in peer-group situations and encourage sharing where possible.  They’ll also benefit from keeping pets so they learn how to nurture.  Sleepovers are good as they learn they can’t have their own way all the time.
• Firstborns are conscientious and often take life seriously.  Help them to lighten up by not searching for mistakes.  Don’t be overly critical – try not to breathe down their necks and pressure them to achieve.  Balance extra responsibilities with extra privileges, such as a later bedtime.

• Middle children may feel squeezed so make sure they find time for them alone.  Find out what’s special about them and encourage it rather than putting them down the same paths / clubs etc.  Avoid comparing them to an elder sibling, which can act as a discourager.

• Make sure lastborns are not spoiled or babied.  Pass responsibility on to this child, and discipline them as much as others.  If you are asking the older child to do something, find something also for the youngest to do.  Yu must let go of this child and resist the temptation to overprotect them.

Perhaps the best reason for studying your birth order is to understand yourself, or your children, a little better – and overcome it.